The Voldy Letters
by sick-atxxheart
Summary: Random letters from the Harry Potter characters and the Dark Lord, discussing evil plans, candy, feelings, and much more. Randomness and fun ensues! May contain OOC-ness and scary randomness. Current: Harry, Hermione, Voldemort, and counseling. Oh no.
1. Harry Potter

Dear Voldy,

Dear Voldy,

Let's discuss our feelings, shall we? Let's see. I feel angry _because you killed my parents, _lonely _because you killed my parents,_ and sad _because you killed my parents._ Seems to be a pattern here, now doesn't it?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Oh, yes. Sorry about that. I was feeling particularly angsty that night. I don't know why. But please, it would really make everyone's life a lot easier if you just let me kill you?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

No, thanks. I don't really feel like dying today. It's a sunny day, and I want to play in the pool. But anyways, back to feelings. I really think you have problems. Really. Like that whole Death Eater/ Dark Mark thing? A little freaky. And a little scary. Are you afraid of the dark?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Fine. How about tomorrow?

Lord Voldemort

P.S. No, of course I am not afraid of the dark! … Are you?

--

Dear Voldy,

A bit, just maybe. And tomorrow's not looking good, or the day after, or the day after. I can arrange a day next month. Although, you have to admit, if we _plan_ the day for me to die, that would probably be stupid for you. I'll just trick you and then I won't die.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Well, that would be just mean. Look, what if I give you candy first?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

CANDY CANDY CANDY ME WANT CANDY!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Yes. I realize you want candy. And I have candy, rooms and rooms full of it. But _remember the deal?!_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

The deal… oh, yes. The deal. No thanks, then. I'm rich. I'll buy my own candy.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Blast it. I'll convince you tomorrow.

Lord Voldemort

**A/N: So what is it? Random? Funny? Crazy? I don't know. Review please! It is random and crazy and hopefully somewhat funny. Revieeewww!**


	2. Harry Potter II

Dear Voldy,

Dear Voldy,

Are you aware that your head looks like an egg?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Yes, I AM aware of that. I have chosen it to be that way, but everyone is too afraid of me to mention it. It works rather nicely, I think. When people are scared, they tend to do what I want them to do.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yeah, but aren't you, like... _scared_ that someone will try and boil your head? And also, _how do you breathe_? You've got no nose! Also, how'd you get your eyes to look like slits and be all red? I _must_ find out who your plastic surgeon is, because they have done an _amazing_ job at making you look hideous.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I DO NOT have a blasted plastic surgeon. It is _magic_, Potter! Ever heard of it? And if I could catch you, my _magic_ would blow you to tiny pieces!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. On a kinder note, no one has ever offered to boil my head. Wise choice on their part, because frankly I don't want my head to be submerged in boiling water, no matter _how much_ it looks like an egg. And I breathe through my nose, you idiot. I do have one, you know, even if it is a little squashed.

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, what a story. :sob sob sniffle: Why is it squashed?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I don't want to talk about it. It's personal.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, wow! You have feelings?! Things can be _personal_ to you?! :gasps:

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Yes. Of course I have feelings! What makes you think I don't?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, I don't know... I guess I could come up with a few reasons, but what do you think? This ought to be good...

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

You think I don't have feelings because... My head is shaped like an egg?

Lord Voldemort

P.S. That hurts. I do have feelings...

--

Dear Voldy,

Fine. Sorry. And no, I don't really particularly _care_ that your head is shaped like an egg... I think you don't have feelings because of the whole evil thing.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Oh. Yes. Well. That kind of comes along with being a Dark Lord trying to take over the world. And could you PLEASE stop calling me 'Voldy'?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it bothered you. Would 'Tom' be better?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

NOOOO!! :screams like a girl: NEVER call me Tom!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Ooh, I am mad now!

--

Dear Voldy,

Sorry, Tom. JUST KIDDING! Geez. Calm down, Tom. I realized you're mad.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I... am going to... rip you... limb from limb...

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Once you find me, we will talk about that. :smirks:

Harry Potter

**TBC...**

**So what do you guys think?! Please review! Ideas and advice are ALWAYS welcome! Thanks! **

**Just as a note, I realize that there may be some out-of-character alerts in this story. But you must realize that it is a parody and it is classified under 'humor', and it does not always follow canon. That is why some may be strangely kind, strangely hyper, or other strange acts! Thanks!**


	3. Molly Weasley

Dear Voldemort,

It has come to my attention that you have been writing letters to Harry Potter. I just have to say that I am _not happy_ with this arrangement. You have hurt that boy enough! If you hurt him again, I swear, you'll have me to deal with!

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Calm down, woman! We were just talking!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Pshh. That's not possible. From all these years, if I've learned one thing, it's that you can't be trusted! You're making an evil plan! Well, guess what! I have an evil plan, too! Ha!

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

You have an evil plan? But you're not... evil?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh... right. Well, still! If you _must_ be evil yourself, I have but one request.

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

You have a REQUEST to make of Lord Voldemort regarding his EVIL PLANS?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

That's right. I'm not one of your evil minions who quiver every time I hear your name. Here it is: if you _insist_ on being evil, then at least fight in a duel or something where we at least _have a chance_!

Molly Weasley

P.S. Choose wisely...

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

You sound like mother... :pouts: Fine. I'll let you know when I'm planning to attack so you can be ready, ok?

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Blast... what did I just say?...

--

Dear Voldemort,

:laughs evilly: Haha. Don't make a promise you won't keep! And if you don't keep it, _I'll know!_ And that would be bad for you! I am really a powerful witch!

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Oh, are you? I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_Don't insult me_. It would not be wise. I have seven children, and my _biggest_ priority is to protect them! I don't care who I kill!

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Oh, really? Then we are more alike than I thought.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_What do you mean, you idiot? I'm nothing like you! _I don't kill for the fun of it! Unless you're meaning to say that you have seven children yourself?

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Of course not, woman! Are you crazy? I hate children. I was meaning to say that I don't care what I have to do either.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Yes… well… that's disgusting and I don't want to talk about it anymore. You make me sick. Harry told me that he wants to go to your plastic surgeon! _Have you brainwashed the boy? And why in the world do you have a plastic surgeon?!_

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

_I don't have a plastic surgeon! _What is it with you all? My look is from magic! I want to look this way! It's an evil look! I don't have a bloody plastic surgeon!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine, fine. No plastic surgeon. But why _in the world_ would you _want_ to look that way? It's extremely ugly.

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

I never thought you to be the type to criticize.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Only those who are really, really evil. And really, really ugly, for that matter. Goodbye for now, then- but remember your promise!

Molly Weasley

--

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

Stupid promise…

Lord Voldemort

--

A/N: Well, here is the next installment in 'The Voldy Letters'. I hope you enjoyed it. Now just to address something:

**I have had some reviews that are very critical in the topics this story discusses. It is a parody, and any topics aren't meant to be rude to anybody. Also, this story may be inspired by other things, but I try very hard to use original ideas. So, I hope you enjoy! Review!**


	4. Ron Weasley

Dear Potter,

Dear Voldemort,

Heard my mum tricked you into battling out in the open. Haha. Can't believe you fell for that. My brothers and I learned to get out of her schemes years ago.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Look… I didn't have a happy childhood, all right?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Hermione says you're emotionally unbalanced.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Well… probably. But don't tell anybody I said that.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Do your Death Eaters know that you are emotionally unbalanced? They would probably be more careful around you if they knew you were emotionally unbalanced. Because, you know, emotionally unbalanced people tend to have anger problems, and emotionally unbalanced people just can't control their emotions because they are unbalanced.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Would you_ stop saying that?I_ It really is quite rude! I just admitted that I am… _that_, you don't have to rub it in! And no, of COURSE my Death Eaters don't know I am… _that_! That would be horrible! They wouldn't leave me alone!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine, fine. I still think you should go to therapy… or something.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Oh yeah? And what would therapy do? Would I have to look at _inkblots?_ Discuss my _feelings_? Be put in a _squishy room_ so I don't hurt myself? Get my wand _taken away_?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Probably.

Ron Weasley

P.S. But… wouldn't a squishy room be rather fun?

--

Dear Weasley,

No! That would be terrifying! Nothing to stomp on! Can't even run into the walls!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Kind of sounds like a trampoline…

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

_What?!…._ What in the world is a bloody trampoline?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Muggle invention… you bounce on it. Rather fun, except when Fred and George push you off.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

As… interesting as your family life is, your family does turn out to be blood traitors and I don't want anything to do with them. No offense.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_No offense?_ Of course you mean offense! You don't like us because we like to be _good_ and not _evil! _You're evil, and that makes you a traitor of the good side! What do you say about that?

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

: Puts fingers in ears, makes humming noises, and sticks out tongue :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Well, that was rude. And childish. No wonder you act like such a baby… always need Death Eaters to take care of you, and that Wormtail slime.

Ron Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

I AM NOT A BABY!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, look! The baby can talk.

Ron Weasley

--

Well, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed this, as much as I enjoyed writing it. Two in one day! That's impressive, and a third one might be following this. I'm just in the mood, and they don't take me long to write.

**Please review!**


	5. Harry Potter III

Dear Voldy,

I enjoy tater tots.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Um... That's nice?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yes. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to have tater tots, as they make me too hyper for my own good. According to Hermione.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Ah, yes. She is the one who informed me that I am insane.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Sometimes, she's nice that way. Back to the tater tots?!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Fine, fine. When you're hyper, what do you do?

Lord Voldemort

P.S. WHY in the world am I asking YOU questions about your personal life? I've been trying to kill you for how many years now?

--

Dear Voldy,

Too many, thank you. Maybe it's back to that insane thing. Anyways, when I'm hyper I poke people and make strange noises.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

... I see.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Do you! Hermione and Ron said you had a bad childhood, and that is why you are the way you are. Well, personally, I don't think that is much of a reason. I had a horrible childhood, thank you very much, and look at me! I'm only mildly crazy!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I will have no comment on your sanity, but I will say this: insane or not, I have no wish to be put in a squishy room.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

... Right. No squishy room. Got it. So ANYWAYS, how are your evil plans coming along?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Quite nicely, thank you. My Death Eaters have been working hard to come up with lists of ideas.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Death Eaters are idiots.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I quite agree.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

... Well then why do you keep them?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

As it turns out, they are rather useful. They listen to what I say, and they are quite amusing.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Okay then. If you want to keep stupid, evil minions, that is your problem. The people who help me are smart.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Obviously not smart enough to see the depths of your insanity.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Hey! You're more insane than me!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

….Maybe.

Lord Voldemort

--

**As always, review!**


	6. Hermione Granger

Dear Voldemort,

Dear Voldemort,

Ron says you have admitted that you are emotionally unbalanced, but that you will not go to therapy for fear of being placed in a squishy room. I have decided that I will be your therapist, in the hope that you will find the error of your evil ways, regret your actions, and turn to the light.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Um… good luck then, but that will never happen. Maybe therapy will do me good. What am I saying? Oh well. Do your shrinky stuff. At least it's better than a squishy room.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine. Here we go. Why are you evil?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Because I want to take over the world. Duh.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Right. Should have seen that coming. Oh well. Next question: Do you feel any remorse or regret for what you have done?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

What's the right answer?… I seem to be afraid of you. You're one of those bookwormy-types, aren't you? Do you carry heavy books with you all the time? I'm afraid of people like that. They tend to hit me with books. Big books hurt.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Ron was right. You are a baby. Yes, I am one of those bookwormy-types… I suppose… but believe me, if I knew where you were, I would hit you with all the books I could find and more. But anyways… the regret thing?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

I only feel regret for my mistakes.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You don't feel regret for killing Harry's parents? Or all the other people? Or making people afraid all the time? Or making people feel pain? Or anything?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Look, I already apologized about that! Like, twice! I told him I was messed up that night!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

'Emotionally unbalanced'?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

What is it with you and emotions? I'm an evil dark wizard! I'm allowed to be insane! Okay?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

If you're really insane, how many things of these have you done? Worn makeup? Smiled happily? Not tortured someone daily?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Um… maybe only the first one.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

So you torture someone daily and you've never smiled happily, but you've worn makeup?!

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Is that a problem?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Um...No. Well... not really. It's just... strange. That's all. It's strange. I don't even wear much makeup.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

And yet the blood-traitor Weasley still loves you anyway.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

WHAT?! How...?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Even I have connections in Hogwarts.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You probably know more about Harry than he knows himself!

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

: laughs evilly : true enough. But that works to my advantage. And you had better keep that a secret, girl, or it's bad news for you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Whatever. For all you know, I'm coming at you with a giant stack of books. : smirks :

Hermione Granger

--

A/N: I enjoyed writing this chapter I hope you enjoyed it too! Sorry about the repost, it didn't upload right? I don't know. Hope this is better.


	7. Draco Malfoy

Dear Voldemort,

Dear Voldemort,

I am just writing to say that I don't really like you. And I think it's really unfair that I am forced to follow you because my stupid father says so.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

Well, your stupid father is of noble blood and you are his son, so that is what is expected of you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Wow… that was surprisingly nice, coming from an evil dark wizard.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

Yes, I am having a surprisingly good day.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

May I ask why?

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

I got an order from a store I like to shop at. It's where I get all my black robes and all the makeup that I rub all over my face every day to make it a bee-yoo-tiful white.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Okay? That's a little weird. But I guess that's only to be expected.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

I can do whatever I want! Anyways, how's Harry Potter? I hate that kid.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Surprisingly, I _am_ aware that you hate him. I hate him too. He is arrogant and stupid and selfish. He is my enemy.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

He told me he likes tater tots, but that he can't have them because it makes him hyper.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Strange… but then again, I'm not allowed to have candy because it makes me hyper.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

: sigh : Candy is a weakness. Oh, well. Everyone has the things that make them happy.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

And is yours being evil?

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

Surprisingly, no. I actually enjoy long hot baths.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…That gives me a bad image. Please don't tell me anymore.

Draco Malfoy

--

Dear Draco,

Fine, fine. Go pelt Potter with some tater tots.

Lord Voldemort

--

**Well, hope you enjoyed it! Requests and advice are always welcome!**

**Press the little review button! Yayy!**


	8. Vernon Dursley

Dear Lord Voldy-thingy,

I am not a freak like you, just to start with, but I am just writing to wish you luck in killing Harry Potter.

Vernon Dursley

--

Dear Mr. Dursley,

Well, thank you kindly for your support. I normally despise Muggles, but those who support me really aren't so bad. Why do you hate him?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldy-thingy,

Because he's a freak, just like you. And he can do magic.

Vernon Dursley

--

Dear Mr. Dursley,

I am NOT a freak! I am a normal person with a craving for power! If I can get that through magic, well then so be it! And magic is not bad! I could demolish you in a second, if you anger me any more!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldy-thingy,

Whatever. You don't scare me, I'm a normal person, and I hate magic and wizards and all you other freaks. So, are you of age, so you can do magic?

Vernon Dursley

--

Dear Mr. Dursley,

Of _course_ I am of age! How else would I be an evil dark wizard if I couldn't even do magic? How could you even consider it?! And believe me, you should be scared of me.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldy-thingy,

I heard you wear makeup, take long hot baths, and are sometimes hyper. Does that sound _normal_ to you?! You're just not normal!

Vernon Dursley

--

Dear Mr. Dursley,

URGH! _Who did you hear that from? _Was it Potter? Or Draco? Or even Dumbledore? They're all crazy, I tell you! Especially Potter. He's just whack. I wonder if he gets it from you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldy-thingy,

I am NOT INSANE!, unlike my nephew! You're all crazy! I hope you all die, and let us normal people live in peace!

Vernon Dursley

--

Dear Mr. Dursley,

Well, well, wasn't that angsty. And rude. But whatever. You're just a Muggle. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more urgent matters to attend to. It's Monday, and Mondays are 'bath days' and 'yell at people evilly' days. So, as you see, I am busy. Goodbye.

Lord Voldemort

**--**

**TBC…**

**Random! I enjoyed writing this because of the absurdity of Vernon Dursley writing to Voldemort. I hope you enjoyed it! Review! Requests are always welcome!**


	9. Albus Dumbledore

Dear Tom,

Dear Tom,

How are you? Would you care for a lemon drop?

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

You know bloody well that I do _not _want a lemon drop! Those blasted Muggle sweets do bad things to the mind. What do you want?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

I was simply inquiring as to how you are faring. I have heard that you have been corresponding with Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Molly Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy, to name a few.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

Yes, yes I have. The correspondence has led me to believe that they are all INSANE! They think I'm crazy, but really they are! And _don't call me Tom!_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

Well, I am afraid old habits never die, and you will always be 'Tom' to me. As to the matter of my students' sanity, I am not sure. I must admit that I have been said to be off my rocker many times.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

Yes, you are! You've been losing your marbles for years? And by the way, how do you stay so _calm?_ It's infinitely annoying!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

I find calmness as a virtue that must be strived for. Then again, someone could have laced my lemon drops.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

: smirks : That's likely. It's probably Severus. He's a spy, you know. You have made many mistakes, old man.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

I am aware of the current standings of loyalty. And as to my mistakes, I have made many of them; but not many of them involve you _or_ Harry Potter.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

Fine! Be all secretive! See if I care!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

Fine. I will be. You know, you really should try some of these lemon drops. They are very calming.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

You are insane. I'm insane. We are all insane. Let's have a party!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Tom,

If we have a party, we will most likely all end up dead.

Albus Dumbledore

--

Dear Dumbledore,

That's a poor attitude. You're making me upset. I swear, you people are going to push me over the edge. It's crazy!

Lord Voldemort

--

TBC…

**Well, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it! Albus Dumbledore was a request.**

**Who should I do next? Did you like this chapter? Please review!**


	10. Fred and George Weasley

Dear Voldemort,

Hello! Gred and Forge here! We would like to invite you to visit our joke shop, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes! Have a nice day!

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

… Is this a joke?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Of course it is! What else do we do? Still, it _would_ be nice if you would visit our shop. We hear you're rich.

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

Right. If I visited your shop, you would kill me.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh. Right. Still, what about mail order? We have fantastic things that could help you with your awesome evilness!

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

You two are a whole big barrel of suck-ups. 'Awesome evilness'? You totally want me to buy your products!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. And, as sad as I am to admit this, it worked. Please send my catalog to the nearest Death Eater. Thank you.

--

Dear Voldemort,

Sure thing. Now, then… on to business ideas… do you think that if you use one of our products when you are performing your plans, could you put up a sign that says 'Products by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'?

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

Wouldn't people think you support me then?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

We guess you're right. Still, if anyone asks where you got the awesome stuff, you know whom to credit.

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

Fine. You know, I think you two actually might be saner than your brother.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Us? More sane than Ron? WOW! That's a first! Why do you say that?

Fred and George Weasley

P.S. …Is that a compliment? We're not sure.

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

You might not take it as one, but coming from me it is. Your brother and Potter and Granger and all of them, they're all CRAZY! You actually have a business and are making something out of yourselves.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine, thanks then. But… isn't trying to defeat the most evil wizard of all time 'making something out of yourselves'? We think so.

Fred and George Weasley

--

Dear Weasley and Weasley,

Maybe, but not in my book. Them trying to defeat me makes me rather sad, actually.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You have feelings like a girl.

Fred and George Weasley

--

**_TBC…_**

**Sorry for the delay, I was very busy. Hope you enjoyed this, it was the most requested person to be next: hope it was satisfying! Who should be next? Review! **


	11. Harry Potter IV

Dear Potter,

Dear Potter,

I think you are a chicken.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Hmm. That's an interesting statement. Why do you think I am a chicken?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Two reasons. One, you are insane. And I think chickens are rather insane. Two, you haven't killed me yet. And, with all the chances you've had, I really should be dead by now.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Maybe I am a chicken. In disguise. But that's for me to know and you to find out. But personally, I think that for the chances _you've_ had, _I _should be dead by now.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

…Blast. Maybe you're right. : sobs : We're both LOSERS!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: Sighs : You are emotional. Maybe we are both losers, but oh well. What does it really matter anyways? We are just going to go on trying to kill each other. And, as you know, one of has to die eventually.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Yes, yes, I know. That prophesy thing. It's a really depressing thought.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: sighs again : You're a depressing thought to most people. Anyways, you're the one who is being insane now. So essentially, you _are_ a loser.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

: gasps and starts crying : DON'T CALL ME A LOSER! I have a very fragile mental outlook!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yeah, I got that part. Very fragile and very breakable, whatever. You cry a lot.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

As I told your crazy friend Weasley, I DID NOT HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, great. We're back to this. Well, neither did I, remember? Because you _killed my parents?_

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

: sniffs : Fine. Blame it all on me!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

It is all your fault.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Why are you so mean?! I : sniffs: need a hug.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Well, that's weird. But sadly, I can't give you a hug. Remember? We're trying to kill each other? Get a Death Eater to give you a hug. I'm sure Bellatrix Lestrange would be _more _than happy to oblige.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Shut up.

Lord Voldemort

--

TBC…

**Well, there you go! I am running out of people but not out of ideas, so give me ideas for people!! Please review! Did you like this?**


	12. Ginny Weasley

Dear Voldemort,

Dear Voldemort,

Quit messing with my boyfriend!

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Which one is your boyfriend? As I'm sure you've heard, I've had quite a collection of people write to me. Is your boyfriend Harry? Draco Malfoy? …or… even… Dumbledore?! You're dating _Dumbledore_?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No, you idiot! Of _course_ I'm not dating Dumbledore! He's, like, old!

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Well, you do have a point there. So who is it?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Harry Potter. But… I'm not really sure I'm in love with him.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Fine. I'll help you with your little love problems. It figures that I am the one you talk to. When did I get to be so nice?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, don't flatter yourself. You're not nice. But anyways… I think I might be in love with Draco Malfoy.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

WHAT?! A pureblood? Are you crazy? He'll never love you! You're crazy for even considering it!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: pouts : You're mean. I can date whomever I want. And, by the way, I _was_ just messing with you. I'm not in love with Draco Malfoy. I'm in love with Harry Potter.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

: also pouts : Figures. Why does Potter always get everything? It's not fair. He's so happy, and I'm like, sitting here in a dark house all alone.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Okay. Well, you know, maybe if you made an effort to look nice, and be nice, and maybe if you grew some HAIR, and got rid of the nasty black robes, and maybe got a new nose, well then maybe you could get a date.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

You. Want. Me. To. Grow. Hair?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Among other things. You're the one who said you're lonely.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

URGH! I. Don't. Want. A. Date! I never said I disliked being lonely! I was just whining! Whining is _normal_! I'm _normal_!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine, fine. You're normal. Whatever. You're not really normal, but for the sake of your pathetically fragile ego, I will lie through my teeth.

Ginny Weasley

--

Dear Weasley,

Fine. Thank you of protecting my ego... which is not pathetically fragile, by the way! But… do you really think I would look better with hair?

Lord Voldemort

--

TBC…

**Hope you enjoyed that! Please review!**


	13. Quirinus Quirrell

Dear Voldemort,

Hi!

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Dude! Aren't you, like, dead?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

What's it to you?

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Oh… Nothing really. I was just wondering. Because I thought you died, and all.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

That I did. But now I'm back. Isn't it fantastic?! Now I can serve you loyally again!

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Um. Yes. Great. But I must admit, your head smelled rather funny. And that is kind of an off-setting factor.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, thank you! You are so kind! You know, having someone's snake-y white face on the back of your head isn't exactly pleasant either, you know. And geez, when I died, it _hurt_!

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Fine. Sorry if I offended you. Obviously, we aren't happy with one another, but really, that's okay with me. I'm never extremely happy with my Death Eaters. So you are ready to serve me again?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

I suppose. I must tell you, though, that I have developed a rather annoying habit of being extremely hyper.

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

…Great. : mutters to self : _That's just what I need… another looney bin talking nonsense to me when I am taking over the world… that's just what I need… what did I do? What did I do to deserve this_?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Are you aware that you were just _muttering to yourself?_ In a _letter?_ Is that even _possible?_

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Anything is possible with Lord Voldemort.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Right. That whole 'anything's possible' crap. Whatever. How come Harry Potter's not dead yet then, if anything is possible?

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

…You're evil.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No… not really. You're the evil dude, remember? I just serve the evil dude.

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

: pouts : How come I never get to be called the good guy?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Because… um… you're not the good guy, remember? And… um… we love you for it, your most Worshipfulness.

Quirinus Quirrell

--

Dear Quirrel,

Sucking up now, are we? Well, I guess you're right. I'm not the good guy… but it still does make me feel sad. You are expected to be at the next Death Eater meeting. Hop to it, soldier!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

…Right. And _I_ was supposed to be the hyper one.

Quirinus Quirrell

--

_**TBC….**_

**Well, that's it for this chapter! Yay! I really liked this chapter. What did you think of it? Please review! As usual, constructive criticism, praise, and advice for characters for future chapters is always welcome.**

**Just a note, I changed the names of the chapters to be who was writing. It is easier for me to do. Thanks.**

**Review!**


	14. Neville Longbottom

Dear Longbottom,

Hi.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

What do _you_ want?

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

My, my. Aren't we fiesty? What's your problem?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

My _problem_ is _you_. You tortured my parents into insanity, remember?

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Oh, right... Why do you always have to remind me of the evil things I do? I'm always called the bad guy.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You are the bad guy. And I don't really want to talk to you, especially about my parents. I hate you. The fact that my life is horrible is all because of you.

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

I am _not_ always the bad guy! : cries : And your parents were really good at what they did, they were very powerful. That's why I had to do it...

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: cough : Ahem. : cough :

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Oh, right. Off-limits subject. Sorry.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Yeah... right. Alright, anyways, what did you want?

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

... To say hi.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Right. You're probably going to ask me to participate in some evil plan that will end up hurting the people I love.

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Wow! You guessed perfectly. Are you a mind-reader?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

...No?

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Oh, allright. Just wondering. Anyways, I was wondering if you could put pepper in Harry Potter's drink and then videotape the reaction for me.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: coughs uncontrollably from choking while laughing : AUUUGHHH! : cough cough :

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Awww, did someone put pepper in _your_ drink?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

What? No! But really, that's what you want me to do? Put pepper in Harry's drink?

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

Yup.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Fine.

Neville Longbottom

--

_**Two days later...**_

--

Dear Longbottom,

OMG! That was perfect! : laughs uncontrollably and snorts : Thanks for the video!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: smirks : Watch out for payback.

Neville Longbottom

--

Dear Longbottom,

: stops laughing : ...What?

Lord Voldemort

--

_**Sorry for the long wait! Hope this was alright. Review!**_


	15. Harry Potter V

Dear Potter,

You are EVIL!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Me? No. I don't really think so.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

YES YOU ARE! You're evil! I'm not even kidding! Why did you color my head blue? With a _SHARPIE?_ Are you AWARE that that stuff doesn't come off? Like, ever?! I've taken eight bloody showers and it's STILL THERE! AND I HATE SHOWERS!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

I thought that… well, I thought that maybe someone would mistake it for hair. You really need some, you know. And besides, you put pepper in my drink. It wasn't pleasant.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Look, that was just for a good laugh! This is just evil! EVIL! I mean, come on! Blue? I mean, black maybe, or even some sweet red hair, but BLUE? Blue is for old people.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: snicker smirk snicker : I was under the impression that you _are_ old. : laughs :

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I am NOT old! I am merely… not extremely young. Okay? I can still do everything I used to. I do exercises and run and play and swim.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: can't speak because he is choking after laughing and crying so hard at the same time that he felt like he was going to pass out :

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Well now, that is just rude.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

You… you… you _swim_? Oh now, that is a nasty picture. Voldemort in a swimsuit? Ahhh!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

It's not like I wear a bikini.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: bursts out laughing : Haha! That's an even worse picture. But anyways, the Sharpie's magical. I did it during your sleep. It won't wear off unless I tell it to.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Please, please, please? For me? It's, like, totally ruining my reputation.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

What's in it for me?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I'll tell you that your breakfast tomorrow might… maybe… sort of… be poisoned.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Fair enough. Two more days, and then it will be gone. (:

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter

EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

: cough : emotionally unbalanced : cough :

Harry Potter

--

_**Hope you liked it! Review? Who's next? I'm having problems with writing Luna. Review!**_


	16. Dolores Umbridge

Dear Voldemort,

: hem hem : Alright, listen. I wasn't really serving you. I was just un-deliberately (if that is even a word) kind of fitting into your plan by being evil to Harry Potter. And this is _what I get_? Like, I'm stuck in an insanity ward for being evil and carving words into poor innocent students skins? How is this _FAIR?_

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Did you ever think about the fact that you actually might be insane?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No.

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Oh. Well that's weird. Because even I think that carving words into people's skins is rather nasty.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Really? Oh.

... I now become sad... : coughs sadly :

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

NOOOO! I CANNOT STAND OVERLY EMOTIONAL WOMEN!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Yeah, well I can't stand scar-faced freaks like Harry Potter. Which, may I mention, is why I am in an INSANITY WARD! WITH WALLS MADE OF CUSHY THINGS!

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

: mutters to himself : That seems to remind me of something... something someone said to me... oh yes, Ronald Weasley... blast that cushy room...

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: hem hem :

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Yes, yes, stop with the hem-hem-ing! It gets rather old you know!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You're the one going on and on under your breath about things that make no sense! You're the one who should be in an insanity ward with cushy walls!

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Yes... You're not the first who has told me that. It hurts my feelings, a bit, you know.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Wait... lemme get this straight... you have feelings?

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

YEEEEEESSS! I HAVE FEELINGS!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Yes, yes, WHATEVER! Back to me! I was trampled on by centaurs, and scared half out of my wits everytime I heard a noise! I did that all to get to Harry Potter out of my- your- way! Don't I get anything for that??

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Hmmm... maybe. Well then... yes. MWAAAHAAAHAAA! I have the perfect idea! It shall be coming in the mail.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

A PICTURE of a CENTAUR?! Are you TRYING to give me a HEART ATTACK?! : breathes heavily through nose :

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

... Maybe?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

CRUCIO!

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Doesn't work through the mail. I already tried.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Blast... but really, that was mean of you! Even sweet Cornelius isn't that mean!

--

Dear Umbridge,

Please excuse me while I throw up my breakfast... : gags repeatedly : Hmmm... better. Anyways... you and Cornelius... _not right_. But you know, when you think about it, I am the MOST EVIL WIZARD IN THE WORLD! You got off easy... a picture of a centuar...I could have sent, like, a pipe bomb! TICK TICK TICK TICK BOOM! YAYYYY!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

I am crazy. You are crazy. Let's get married!

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

... No. You are ugly.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: sobs :

Dolores Umbridge

--

Dear Umbridge,

Hehehehehe : giggles uncontrollably :

Lord Voldemort

--

_**I will admit, this is NOT my best work, and I am not particularly proud of it. But I updated, and that's something. So please, review! I took the suggestions... who should I do next? And yes, I am aware that one of the letters was an obvious steal from the Potter Puppet Pals, 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise'. If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you look it up on Youtube. Immensely hilarious. anyway... back on topic. Please review!**_


	17. Bellatrix Lestrange

Dear Your Most Worthy Worshipfulness, Lord Voldemort,

LOVE ME! NEED ME! WANT ME!

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Erm... No.

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Good job being a suck-up. I really think that is your talent.

--

Dear Your Most Wonderfully Feared and Respected, Lord Voldemort,

Oh, oh, oh! Thank you for the honor of a compliment, my Lord! It is the highest pleasure... Wait. You're trying to trick me into forgetting your response! Tricky, tricky, my Lord, but it won't work, not this time! Why won't you love me? I love you! I went through many years in Azkaban for you!

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Azkaban is fun, though.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Your Perhaps Insanely Crazy But Still Loved, Lord Voldemort,

: coughs : : chokes on own insanity and disbelief and anger : EXCUSE ME?!

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

What? : smiles innocently :

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Enough with the nicknames!

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I just heard you say that _Azkaban_ is **FUN.**Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Good. I now know that you are not blind, or, seemingly, deaf. That is, interestingly, a surprisingly useful detail in planning my evil plans.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

: chokes again, sounds as if dying : : muttering under breath : Seriously. Like, oh my god. And I'm said to be the crazy one... Azkaban, fun... Hahaha...: continues muttering disconcertingly :

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Uhm, are you okay?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

... : gasp : ….

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

I'm thinking that's a no. Sad, sad day. Oh well... Back to the previous conversation before you became randomly deranged... I can't be with you even though you went through Azkaban simply because it isn't enough. I think Azkaban is a fun place, and if you dont, you obviously don't know the happy game. And I feel sorry for you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Oh, don't get me started... Anyways, the happy game...?

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Yes... The happy game. I take it you are humbly, politely, and respectfully begging me to share the secret of my success?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Yes, please, my Lord! I would do anything to achieve your impressive level of evil and insanity!

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

: smirks : Very well. The happy game is... Singing and repeating Muggle TV commercials!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

... What?

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

See?  
Call 1800STEAMER, Stanley Steamer gets your home cleaner!!  
See?! HAPPY!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Oh. My. God.

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

GUESS WHAT!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

: muttering again : He's crazy, absolutely bonkers, but I love him anyway... What?

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Okay... That was freaky. But anyway, back to my GUESS WHAT! SO GUESS WHAT! Your name has 'Trix' in it.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

….Yes?

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Well, you know, like the 'Trix Yogurt' commercials on TV? Where the poor little rabbit can't get any yogurt (creamy milky yummy stuff) because the evil little kids won't let him have any?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

No.

Bellatrix Lestrange

--

Dear Bellatrix,

Oh… well then… Anyways. The yogurt is really, really good. And I was just wondering if you are so insane because the evil little kids wouldn't let you have any Trix when you were younger.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Because, perchance, I looked like a _RABBIT?!_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Bellatrix,

…. Maybe?

Lord Voldemort

--

**I updated! Yay me! Lol. Well, it was like one of my fastest updates lately, and I am quite proud of this one, actually. So please enjoy it, I worked hard on it. Half of it was typed at like 11:30 at night when I was supposed to be sleeping. Any-hooo…. I hope you liked this. I like it better than the last one, I think it is funnier- it gets the more random insaneness that makes no sense. But that's what life is, isn't it? HA!**

**REVIEW! And ignore this crazy authoress. (:**


	18. Severus Snape

Dear Snape,

I have recently acquired some information that you put up a 'mask' every day.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Um... what?

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Potter sent me a postcard. Said you wear a 'mask'.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

He's delusional. Don't listen to the boy!

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Oh, believe me, normally I don't. But in this case- is that why your nose looks so big? Because of this 'mask'?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_I don't wear a mask!_

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Oh.

Lord Voldemort

P.S. ....Are you sure?

--

Dear Voldemort,

:: seething :: Yes. I. Am. Sure. And why in the bloody world did Potter send you a freaking _postcard_?!

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Dunno. Said he was on 'vacation' or something.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Ah... I... see. Did it occur to you that he is at school and is not on _vacation?!_

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Um... no?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

:: mutters to self :: Right... of course you didn't...

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

:: cries :: You're mean to me...

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_I _am mean to _you?_

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

Yes.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_You _torture _me_ at every meeting simply because I'm like, two seconds late!

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

You are _never _prompt! It gets old!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Okay, then you try and break into my mind repeatedly!

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

I'm allowed to do that. You are my minion! You're on my side!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. ........Right?

--

Dear Voldemort,

........Right.

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

All those little dotties scare me.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You have problems. See a counselor.

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

_What is it with people telling me that?_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Maybe it's the white head and red eyes. Or the evil laugh. Or all the people you kill. Or maybe it's just the fact that you are insane. I don't know, take your pick.

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

:: takes deep breath :: Okay. Let's get this straight. Once again, I picked to have my head be white and my eyes be red! Red is cool! I like my evil laugh, the people I kill got in my way and that was unfortuanate for them. However, I'm not so sure about the insane thing. The mudblood Granger tells me I am emotionally unbalanced, and that hurts my feelings.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

I am choosing to protect my own life here when I say politely and with the utmost respect, 'No comment.'

Severus Snape

--

Dear Snape,

What?! Wait... wait... HEY!

Lord Voldemort

--

**Please review.**


	19. Harry Potter VI

Dear Voldy,

It is my firm belief that our world would be a much better place if only you could get in touch with your inner child.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Oh, really.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yes.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

And what if I don't agree with this little 'theory'?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Doesn't matter. You're doing it anyway. I'm your shrink- you pay me for this type of stuff!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I do not!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Really!? Then why am I so rich? Where does all the money come from?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

The Goblins worship the ground you walk on.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

:: Hehe :: Right.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Why in the bloody WORLD did you sign your name 'with love'?!?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

You need more love in your life.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

:: gasps :: PLEASE... STOP....

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

What- don't you love me?

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I do not love you- hence the reason I repeatedly try to kill you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh. But anyway, hence is a funny word. Hence, hence. Hence, hence, hence!

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Did you forget your medication?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

...No?

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Hmm. Suspicious.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Not really. I'm generally crazy, at least according to Ron, Hermione, and Ginny.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Is this 'Ginny' the Weasley that my memory nearly killed in her first year?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yeah. That wasn't very nice of you, you know. Hence, why you must get in touch with your inner child.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

There is no way I would want to get in touch with my inner child! You saw what happened with the memory, my freaky preserved teenage self- ANGST! Really, why would you wish that on the world?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

You had to be nice when you were, like, a baby.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I threw up on my mother after she died.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Okay, woooowwwwwwwww.

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

I am the epitome of evil.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Oh, don't flatter yourself. .... Wait, what does 'epitome' mean?

Love,  
Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter,

Do us all a favor and go back to preschool.

Lord Voldemort

**--**

**Please review. Again- who else would you like to see?**


	20. Sirius Black

**Hey, all! Thanks for the lovely reviews. I've gotten requests for a bunch of people, and Sirius Black was one of them. Therefore, here is Sirius ;) he's really immature in this, but I hope you enjoy. Please review, and keep requesting! ;)**

**--**

Dear Voldy,

YOOOOO, VOLDYYY!

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Hello, devil incarnate.

Lord Voldemort

P.S. My name is not, as you so rudely put it, 'Voldy.'

--

Dear Voldy,

Well, I'm gonna call you it anyway. So what's up? Have you decided to stop trying to kill my godson yet?

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

No. I don't think so. It is much too fun.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Yeah, but… :: whines :: … you're not very good at it anyway!

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

HEY! I resent that! I'll have you know, thank you very much, that all my evil plans are carefully thought out and developed, and then executed with direct precision and focus on detail as to ensure the success of the scheme.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Um… what?

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

:: sigh :: Really, how did you get through school? Anyway, it means _I. Think. Everything. Out. Really. Good._ Okay?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Ohhhhhhhhh. I get it now… but… that's bad grammar, isn't it? _Really good?_ Shouldn't it be _really well?_

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Honestly! Why does everyone have to be so critical? People make mistakes!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

You're a person?

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

…What did you think I am?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

A hamster in disguise as a really ugly dude with a white face and red eyes. However, my theory was changed when Harry told me his theory on how you are a chicken.

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

I AM NOT A HAMSTER AND I AM NOT A CHICKEN!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Are you a zebra, then?

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Do I look like a zebra?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

…Will you kill me if I say yes?

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Eventually, I will kill you. So, yes.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

Whoa, kinda confident there eh? All high and mighty? 'Oh, I'll kill him someday, no matter what!'

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Look, one day you will trip and fall on your face and I'll be waiting in the shadows to step out and kill you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

… That was kind of… stalker… ish… But anyway, in that case, yes, you do look like a zebra. You hide the black stripes under all that white makeup.

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Oh, yeah. I totally do.

Lord Voldemort

P.S. AND WAIT- HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE WHITE MAKEUP?!?!

--

Dear Voldy,

I have sources. And did you just admit you're a zebra?!?!?!

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

No.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh.

Sirius Black

--

Dear Black,

Please leave me alone. Your idiocy surpasses what my brain can handle.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy,

That's mean. ::pouts::

Sirius Black

--

**Review!**


	21. Lucius Malfoy

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Hi!

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

…Hello. Aren't you, like, standing right next to me?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

…No?

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

…Yes?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Fine, yes! Allright? You happy? But I just wanted to send my favoritest dark lord a letter!

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

:: sigh :: Did someone give you sugar again?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

…No?

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Honestly, what is with those one-word answers? They are unappreciated. They mean nothing, especially with the stupid little question marks after them.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

My lordship is very smart. I applaud thee.

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Shut up.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

:: cries ::

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Oh, my god. I swear, when I picked you to be my head minion or whatever you are, I went through and looked at all your weaknesses. The only one I could find was that your hair is abnormally long and you _refuse_ to tie it in cute little pigtails. But now, I seriously have my doubts as to your sanity.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

LOOK NOW!

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

:: looks over to him :: OH MY GOD! NOT ATTRACTIVE! NOT ATTRACTIVE!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

You don't like the pigtails in my long, luscious blond hair?

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Did you parents name you Lucius because it is like luscious? Or was that just a strange coincidence?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I think it was just a strange cuh-wink-ee-dink! :)

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Do not make little smiley faces with colons and parentheses. I am not amused. Let me speak to Narcissa. That's an order. :: smiles menacingly ::

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

:: pouts :: fine.

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Thank you.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Yes, my Lord?

Narcissa Malfoy

--

Dear Narcissa,

Did you give Lucius sugar again?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

So sorry, my Lord! But last night he wouldn't shut up… just kept screaming on and on about how he had gotten a letter that you were a chicken, or a zebra, or a hamster, or something, and that Potter likes tater tots, and that he needs to get shampoo but the store is out, so his precious blonde hair will get dirty and then I won't love him anymore, and how Draco was supposedly not being cute enough at school because he had short hair and wasn't abnormally tall and really really freaky like him, those were his words not mine, he's supposedly proud of that aspect of himself, and he kept saying that he was really scared of someone who was a zebra but wore a costume and makeup like you did, and that he really didn't want to go to the meeting because he was afraid you as a zebra would like trample him but he said you had a really good disguise so maybe it took away the zebra aspect of your personality but I told him no it probably wouldn't, and then he started to cry because he was scared, and then I felt bad. And so, I gave him sugar.

Narcissa Malfoy

--

Dear Narcissa,

Oh _my._

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Yes, it was quite disturbing.

Narcissa Malfoy

--

Dear Narcissa,

Anyway… I suppose I better tell Lucius about the zebra thing.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

YOU'RE A ZEBRA? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Oh, no. You again. No, I'm not a zebra. How much sugar did you have, anyway? :: mutters:: Must be a lot… a lot lot lot…

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Well let's see. I had cookies and cake and candy bars and more cookies and really really good chocolate cake with these tiered layers of confetti sugar and frosting, and then I had chocolate ice cream and then some vanilla, and then this superman kind, but I've discovered it does weird things to your poop, so I won't try that again, but anyway, then I had some popcorn (does that have sugar???) and then I had some fruit snacks, _lots_ and _lots _of fruit snacks, I love fruit snacks, they are so good, and then Draco sent me some chocolate for whatever holiday we just had so I ate that too, and then I had these cupcakes with white stuff in the middle, and then chocolate chip brownies, and then pancakes with chocolate chips and blueberries in them, and then these things that are completely made of sugar, and then hot chocolate, and then chocolate milk, and then a lot of other stuff but I forgot because I passed out.

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

_Oh. My. God._

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

What? Is that weird or something?

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

Get counseling. _Now._

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Is that an order? :: smiles innocently ::

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Fine. :: pouts again ::

Lucius Malfoy

--

Dear Malfoy,

_Need… medicine… need something… need… sleep… need… hammer… _:: hits head repeatedly on wall ::

Lord Voldemort

--

**Review! This was a requested one. :] Hope you like!**


	22. Remus Lupin

Dear Werewolf,

Oh, _angst._

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Why the _hell_ are you writing me? What do you want?

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

Only your soul, of course. Oh, _angst_.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Well, sorry to break it to you, but you can't have my soul. And may I inquire why you keep saying _angst?_

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

Oh, stop trying to sound all scholarly to make me feel bad. It's working. I'm in a depressing mood, and hence I say angst. Deal with it.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Well, that explains the _angst_ part. However, it does not give any reason as to why you are writing me. Please explain.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

_Look, _didn't I already say I wanted your soul? How daft are you?!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

My soul? Or what? I'm not gay, just so you know.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

What? Not like that! Your soul as in... you know... you following me... and serving me... and stuff... Like that, you know? Not like _that!_

Lord Voldemort

P.S. WAITTTTTTTTTTT A SECOND- yes you are so gay!

--

Dear Voldemort,

*sigh* No, I'm not. Despite what Sirius might say. _AHEM AHEM..._ Changing the subject now. You can't have my soul, as in following you and serving you and... stuff. As you so eloquently put it.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

Oh, be quiet. I myself am the King of Eloquence.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No, you're not.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

Yes, I am.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No, you're not.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

YES I AM!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No, you're not.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

MOMMY HE'S BEING MEAN TO ME!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Your mother is dead. Sorry to break it to you, King of Eloquence.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

...._W-W-WHAT?_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, Merlin. Harry told me you needed a counselor, but I didn't know it was this bad.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

You must be lying! ..._Mummy's dead?_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

She died in childbirth. You never knew her. I don't know what _you're_ going on about.

Remus Lupin

--

Dear Werewolf,

BUT MUMMY!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, stop. I have decided that you and Harry are going to twin counseling sessions. Expect a letter in the mail soon. Have a nice day. *sigh*

Remus Lupin

P.S. Yes, I finally did decide to take matters into my own hands.

--

Dear Werewolf,

_WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

Lord Voldemort

--

**Sorry it's been so long since an update. I'll try to be more consistent now... Hope this one made you laugh. Angst is my favorite word, by the way. :)**


	23. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger

Dear Voldemort,

I am now your therapist once again.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

_WHAT?????? NO!!!!!!!_

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: smirks : Oh, yes. But this time, I'm getting paid to put up with you.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

But- but- _but_…am I getting paid to put up with you?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

No, of course not. You aren't being paid to put up with Harry, either.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

_What?_ No! Please don't make me! Not Harry! Not Harry!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

_Ahem ahem…_ Before Harry comes in, I feel it necessary to tell you how much you sound like Harry's mother when she died… I saw it in a memory.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

What? : goes back and reads letters anxiously : Oh, crap. I guess I do.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

And? Oh, wait, nevermind- stop this conversation. Harry just told me he sent his owl- you now need to send your letters to both Harry and I- yes-

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Voldy,

Hi.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter and Granger, I suppose,

: shoots self in face :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You know what a gun is?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Potter and Granger, but mostly Granger this time,

Of course I do, you silly girl. Lord Voldemort knows everything.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldy- oh wait, I was supposed to address them to Hermione too… wait, hold on… yeah. And Hermione! Right.

What's a gun?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Harry,

: sigh : You're an idiot.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Didn't I already tell you that?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

I suppose you did, but I was trying to be nice.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Being nice is overrated.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

You would know.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Of course I would, that's why I said it.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear peoples,

WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!?!?!?!?! : cries :

Harry Potter

--

Dear Harry and Voldemort,

We're not. We were… um… discussing a treatment plan. For both of you. Right.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear peoples,

No you weren't! Liars!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter and Granger,

Um… yes we were. We aren't liars.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear peoples,

Oh, okay.

Harry Potter

--

Dear Potter and Granger,

: sigh :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Harry and Voldemort,

Why are you sighing, Voldemort?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear peoples,

Don't call him Voldemort, Hermione. Call him Tommy. HIS NAME IS TOMMY!

Harry Potter

--

Dear Harry and Voldemort… er, Tommy?,

: sigh : Harry, did you take your meds again?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Potter and Granger,

: cries : My name is not Tommy! It's Voldemort! _LORD VOLDEMORT,_ I TELL YOU!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. See? I even sign my name as _Lord Voldemort! _Hint, hint?

--

Dear peoples,

: innocently : What meds?

Harry Potter

--

Dear Harry and Voldemort,

This is _not_ going well.

Hermione Granger

--

**Please review! Hopefully the three way conversations weren't too confusing.**


	24. Hermione Granger II

Dear Granger,

So you're meaning to tell me that Harry Potter take meds?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Well, of course he does. Why else do you think he is so... um... well, you know.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Well of course I bloody know, woman! I'm the one who's been talking to him for ages through letters now!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Yeah, well, try living with him for what, six years? Or something? Oh, and don't call me woman.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Why? Aren't you, like, a woman?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Shut up. Of course I'm a woman. But I'm not _your _woman, thank Merlin, so you can't call me that.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

: smirks :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, Merlin. Stop that! Stop thinking what you're thinking!

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

: innocently : I'm not thinking anything! : smirks again :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

NOOOO STOPPPPP!

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Who needs counseling now? : grins evilly :

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

: takes deep, shuddering breath : Calm down, Hermione. : sigh : Um, you still do.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Wait, what happened to Harry?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Um... he is.. currently... unavailable. : looks away :

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

: curiously : What did you do to him? It's my job to kill him! Not yours! If you killed him I swear-

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, relax. I didn't kill him. Why would I do that? Besides, it's not like you're that good at it anyway. But moving on, Harry has... um... discovered the wonders of fruit snacks. We had to lock him in his room.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

: mutters to self : ...Fruit snacks... Where did I hear those... Oh, Merlin, no... not fruit snacks... Lucius on sugar... no... no more sugar... PLEASE NO!

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Um, what? Are you okay?

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Why do you care?

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

I don't. You can go fall off a cliff or something and die for all I care.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

Be nice, woman.

Lord Voldemort

--

Dear Voldemort,

Go away, Tommy.

Hermione Granger

--

Dear Granger,

DON'T CALL ME TOMMY, WOMAN!

Lord Voldemort

--

**Please review!**


	25. Colin Creevey

Dear Voldemort,

Can I please please please take your picture? Please, dude? Please?

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

Did you really just call me dude?

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Yeah, it was a little out of character, I know. Maybe I have a problem, like you.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

WHAT PROBLEM? I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

May I please document your problem by taking a picture of it? Please? I'm trying to document everything. I want to make a scrapbook.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

What, you're going to take a picture and document the entire war? : scoffs : You can't do that!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

MY MOMMY TOLD ME I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT TO!

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

: sniffs : I don't know if my mommy ever told me that. She... : sniffs : sobs : She... she died!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

That's so sad! Maybe Hermione was wrong. Maybe you need counseling because of your horrible life, not because you're insane. Can I take a picture?

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

I... I... I DON'T NEED COUNSELING!

Lord Voldemort

P.S. Even if I agreed to let you take a picture of me, it would probably be a trap.

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I swear it's not a trap! I swear!

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

Swear on your mother's life.

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

: smirks : I swear on YOUR mother's life.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

: gasps : You can't do that! She's dead! It doesn't work that way! Ohhhh, Mommy... Come back to me, Mommy! Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

You can see your mother again, Young Padawan. All you must do is use the Force and let me take the picture of you.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

What are you TALKING about? What is this, some sort of Muggle rubbish? You can't fool me! Mwahahahahaha!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's Star Wars! A really fun Muggle moving picture thing. There's this villain guy that kind of reminds me of you - his name is Darth Vader. Except he lets people take his picture, unlike you, Mr. Grumpy-pants.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

Okay, kid. Number one: nobody calls me Mr. Grumpy-Pants. I, after all, am your WORST NIGHTMARE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And number two: I will not be referred to as being similar to some villain named "Darth Vader." Because you know why? I'll tell you why! Vader rhymes with TATER! And I hate tater tots! Hate them! They scare me! They are evil little miniature potatoes in fried, or maybe it's baked, form! TERRIFYING I TELL YOU!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

If I promise that there will be no tater tots, will you let me take your picture?

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

That's definitely a trap. I'm not THAT stupid, you know, even if I did sound rather deranged in my last letter.

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

What, did you take some sleeping pill or something? Cause you suddenly calmed down. And no, of course it's not a trap. After all, you could just kill me in a heartbeat. I'm just a measly kid, and you are apparently MY WORST NIGHTMARE!

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

Killing you WOULD considerably improve my day.

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Seeee? I told you! Taking pictures is fun.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

You didn't tell me that. Harry Potter did. Maybe. I'm forgetting. Wait! WILL HARRY POTTER BE AT THE PHOTOSHOOT?

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

Well... Um... No, of course not... : ahem :

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can't be around Potter! He terrifies me! He's crazier than I am! I can't stand him! Please don't make him be there! PLEAAAASE!

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

I thought you were supposed to be killing him. If you kill him, I definitely want to take a picture of his dead body.

Colin Creevey

* * *

Dear Creevey,

You are so... creepy. And I know I'm supposed to be killing him. But he scares me. And it makes me want to go run and hide. : whimpers :

Lord Voldemort

* * *

Dear Voldemort,

: sighs exasperatedly : So does this mean no photoshoot?

Colin Creevey

* * *

_**Not my best chapter, but it's an update. What did you think? Who's next? Reviews please!**_


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